Why The Yogis Hated Us

Spent our meditation-time poorly.
Focused on our breath until we hyperventilated.
Practiced mouth-to-mouth resuscitation during Vespers.
Demonstrated flexibility inappropriately.
Giggled every time someone said anything in Sanskrit.
Rowled up the spirit animals and land cats.
Requested vegan meatloaf “without the vegan”.
Broke the harmonium in the music yurt belting out a duet to Wild Horses.
Insisted on calling kundalini “the hots”.
Renamed all the yoga positions after disgraced politicians.
Spiked the serenity fountains.
Climaxed at noon.
Rejected enlightenment before it could reject us.
Fashioned leotards out of papier mache
and sat still as stoned buddhas to let them dry.
Cancelled the moon dance.
Complained about starch itch for days.

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